


Weight of Silence

by hazellepotter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Divergence - Order of the Phoenix, Childhood, Childhood Lovers, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sweethearts, Cousin Incest, Death, F/M, Fear, First Love, Heartbreak, Isolation, Loneliness, Memories, Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter), Nostalgia, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Regret, Sirius PoV, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24015508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazellepotter/pseuds/hazellepotter
Summary: "What is right is not always wise."
Relationships: Sirius Black/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Weight of Silence

Sirius was used to isolation; a part of him had been isolated his whole-life. He always wanted what he couldn't have; the weight of isolation in Azakban was enough to drive him mad. However, when he returned back to Grimmauld Place, it was suffocating. There was a weight to silence that he could no longer bear. He was used to hearing voices in Azkaban. Whether it was other prisoners or his own mind; it was hard to tell them apart. Now being back in the halls of his childhood home, he heard _nothing._ There was nothing more isolating than silence. 

He saw the Weasleys and Harry only under distressing circumstances, and Buckbeak couldn't respond. Sirius told him a lot of things, and he listened. He knew Buckbeak understood him, and he didn't scorn at him like most human companions would. Not even James knew about the things he was telling Buckbeak, for not even he would have understood. James was used to getting what he wanted; Sirius never understood that luxury. 

It was after the Christmas holidays that Sirius finally confessed his deepest secret. It was buried so deep in his chest that it hurt to pull it out. He had tried to forget, much like he tried to forget most things about his life, but these memories always seemed to find him in his dreams as a constant reminder. 

"I was in love with her, Buck," Sirius told him, "I was in love with my cousin. I knew it was wrong, but what I felt didn't feel wrong at all. She didn't think so either. It was commonplace in our family's history, but her parents never would have approved of me. Much like my own parents never approved of me. I think I first noticed how beautiful she was when I was ten years old and she was twelve. She was maturing, and she was maturing quickly. I was a boy about to hit puberty, what can I say?"

Sirius took a drag of his cigarette then, and Buckbeak turned away from the smoke, but he was still listening, he always was.

"I'm not going to get gross on you, but she first noticed me when I was fifteen and she was seventeen. It was innocent enough. It was nothing sexual, all she did was kiss me. It was shy at first, and it was actually right around this corner here in this very wretched place. Kreacher caught us, but he loved Cissa so much that he swore he would keep it a secret. That was the only time I was grateful for him."

Buckbeak turned to look at Sirius and nodded for him to continue; Sirius was never short of words.

"I remember when I ran away; she was the only one that came after me. It was pouring down rain that evening, and I had apparated to our favorite spot on a hillside right outside her family's manor to collect myself before going to James'. Her blonde hair was sticking to the back of her neck, and her white gown was see-through. For once, I controlled myself around her, and that was probably because I didn't have control at all. She asked me to stay and not leave our family; she asked me to give it a chance so I could be with her, and you know what I told her?"

Sirius waited for a response that would never come before he continued, "I told her there was no way in hell I could stay, even for her, and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had. Maybe James and Lily would still be..."

But Sirius didn't continue, his voice faltered. Rather than choking up on his tears, he took another drag off his cigarette and let a tear slip down his cheek in silence.

It was getting late, so he put out the rest of his cigarette and told Buckbeak goodnight. As he shut the door to Buckbeak's room, he took a deep breath to try and collect his strength to make it back to his own. His room was full of memories, and he swore he could still smell her rose perfume on his bedsheets from all those years before.

He passed Kreacher as he walked down the hall and didn't acknowledge him; he always tried to act like he never existed. Being reminded of him only made his isolation worse. He was trapped in this house, it was a nightmare that never ended.

As Sirius laid down to close his eyes, he thought of her.

_He remembered her apparating into his room late one night during the summer before running away for good. She was wearing a pale pink nightgown, and her hair was in french braids. She always did that with her hair the night before she had affairs to meet with Lucius Malfoy to give her naturally straight hair the waves her mother always doted on._

_He remembered how she laid down next to him in bed and wrapped her arms around him. Her smile lit up the room; it was a smile that was not proper for a Black woman to share unless she was with her most intimate partner. It made Sirius' heart race at the thought of it. Narcissa was one to keep face around their family in a way he never could; he admired her for it but also thought it was foolish. She could never be her true self, and for Sirius, that was a nightmare._

_"What are you so excited about?" He had asked her. She was still grinning, and Sirius tucked a baby hair behind her ear that had fallen loose from her braids._

_"I just love you," she told him sincerely, "I love you in a way I shouldn't but it just feels so..."_

_"...Right," he answered for her, "I know. You're the only thing that is good about this family, Cissa. Other than Andy, but we both can agree she is the best out of any of us."_

_"I know," she told him, "She is threatening to leave soon with Ted Tonks. I don't know if it is wise."_

_"What is right is not always wise."_

_She sat up a little bit and leaned on her arm, "Is that what you think about us? That we aren't.. wise?"_

_"You know we aren't wise, but fucking hell, we are **right.** "_

_He watched as he took her breath away; she took a sharp intake in breath every time he cursed. It made him hard just thinking about it. It was then that he rolled on top of her and kissed her. She was panting as he pulled away. He looked at her with unease; he was unsure if he should proceed. They had never taken things to this level, even though they had wanted to so desperately. He knew he was going to leave, and this might be his last chance. She was blissfully unaware, and he wanted to keep it that way. Maybe it would hurt her less once he was gone if he just disappeared without a trace._

_"I-I want to," she whispered, "It is right even if it is not wise."_

_She had a playful smile as she lifted up the hem of his shirt. Her hands roamed his chest before he bent down to kiss her again. She moaned as his hands went down in between her legs._

_It progressed quickly, and they played out their fantasies they had had for one another for years. After they finished, they laid together with their bare skin touching, and Narcissa fell asleep in his arms. Sirius remembered looking down at her and gently stroking her cheek. If he could have frozen that moment in time, he would have, because he knew it couldn't last. Nothing ever worked out in his favor._

That night as he fell asleep after confessing his love for her to Buckbeak, he dreamed of the last time he saw her.

_It was right after James and Lily went into hiding with Harry. He had missed them terribly, and he needed to find comfort. He had apparated to their own childhood spot on the hillside and sat under the old oak tree. He cried, and he wished for her to be there. They hadn't spoken in two years, not after she had married Malfoy. He missed her terribly, and he missed the way she felt in his arms and the way she would smile only for him. He missed how everything felt so right, even if it wasn't wise._

_It wasn't wise for her to be there either, she knew that, but she came anyway. She had gotten his owl that morning as Lucius slept. She came to see him in her black bed robe. Her blonde hair was in a bun, and her grey eyes were identical to his as they made eye contact. They were full of longing and regret; they were full of the past they could never confess to._

_"You said it was urgent," she said stiffly, "I came as soon as I could."_

_"I'm surprised you came," he sniffled, "After all this time, I figured-"_

_"I-I will always love you," she confessed, "You know that, you are.. you are family."_

_The word family stung in his chest, he knew what that meant. It was denial of what had been; it was no longer seen as proper. It never had been for their time. He swallowed back the hurt and responded in the only way he could, with anger._

_"Kind of like how Andy is your family too, huh? She told me how you have officially stopped talking to her. You let our wretched family poison your mindset on what is right and what-"_

_"I am doing what is wise, Sirius. Maybe you should try seeking out wisdom for once in your life! This is about survival, this cannot be based on trivial feelings."_

_"What can't be? Your marriage or your life?"_

_He listened to her breath catch in her throat, but she didn't answer him. He watched as tears welled up in her eyes, and as he stood up to stroke her cheek like he always had, she didn't back away. Instead, she closed her eyes._

_"Kiss me," she whispered, "One.. one last time."_

_And so he did. His anger flooded through the kiss, and his hands were wrapped up in her hair. She bit his lip and he bit her's back. It was like it used to be, it was **right**. As they pulled away, her hair was disheveled, and he could taste his blood on his lips. She tried to put herself back together before she apparated away. They didn't say a word after they kissed. He just stroked her cheek one last time, and then she was gone._

Sirius woke up the next morning to find out that Harry needed him. Nothing else mattered. As he ran out of Grimmauld Place to apparate to the Ministry, he caught site of blonde hair blowing in the wind. He did a double-take to see Narcissa briefly. Her hair had blown out from under her hood. She seemed frightened when she saw him, but her eyes were still the same. They were filled with the past; they were filled with something else too. Something else Sirius couldn't name at the time, but he later learned was regret. She went just as fast as she came, and he smelled her rose perfume before he himself apparated away.

He had no time to think about why she was there; he had come just in time to save Harry and his friends. Sirius hadn't dueled in years, but he had never felt more alive than in that moment. It was like he was back with James, and a feeling of warmth rushed through him. The weight of his isolation was starting to lift. Maybe all could be okay again once they ended Voldemort, maybe... just _maybe..._

But the weight that was lifted had dropped again as his cousin stunned him. He looked up to see Bella's wild eyes and hear the cackle behind her laugh. He looked towards Harry as he fell backward, and Harry's face was full of confusion. Everything had happened so fast, not even Sirius could comprehend it until it was too late. 

He felt himself fall through a veil of nothingness, but now it was as though the weight had never existed. He closed his eyes, and all he saw was Narcissa smiling back at him with her hair in french braids. 


End file.
